Aragorn; What do you fear, lady?
Eowyn; A cage. To stay behind bars until youth and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire. – Lord of the Rings, Two Towers
I see it creeping. I feel the body declining and faster as the years pile on. I’ve got ‘the disease-that-must-not-be-named’ and two hormone treatments to keep it in check. The hormones are not a cure (and may be worse than the disease) and ‘the disease’ will eventually adapt to the hormones. Then its Katy-bar-the-door and lights out. There’s a cancer party and it’s at my house, but I might squeak out a few more years. Whatever.
I used to run 5 miles every morning. I used to do the elliptical machine at the Y at 150+ steps per minute. Then I was at 140+ steps a minute. Now struggle to keep it 130+ and my running is down to 2 miles every other day. I keep pushing though, but the body issues are not my major concern. The body is going to do what it will. I eat healthy and exercise daily and meditation daily. The body is going down. It can’t be helped. It’s what happens when you sign up for this call of duty.
I fear the cage. I fear accepting this cage. I biked 30 miles this morning and rode by 2 or 3 senior living complexes. I raised my fist at them, peddled harder and spit in their driveway yelling, “You’ll NEVER take me alive!!” as I blew by. I will have to be drugged, tied and dragged into one of these mind numbing places.
The fear of having lived my whole life, experienced what I experienced, learned the things I learned, gained a little ….for lack of a better word…wisdom along the way and to learn it means nothing is hard to take. To be turned out to pasture, wanted by no one and waiting to die is not my idea of living. To see the world has passed me by and left me bitter, cynical and sickly is ____ fill in the blank.
I fear accepting the cage and I will not go quietly. If I go down, someone’s going down with me and kicking and screaming into the fiery depths of Mt. Doom.
(This was not what I wanted to type here!! It just popped out. Must be on my mind?)